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Life sucks By : caputa

A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were sitting around talking about how their lives sucked.

The cucumber says, "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad."

The pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar."

The penis looks at him and says, "You think you have it rough? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a rubber tarp on my head, shove me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!"

A Brief History of Medicine By : caputa

2000 b.c. - Here, eat this root.

1000 a.d. - That root is heathen. Say this prayer.

1850 a.d. - That prayer is pure superstition. Here, drink this potion.

1940 a.d. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.

1985 a.d. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.

2000 a.d. - That antibiotic doesn't work anymore. Here, eat this root

My Own mind By : caputa

Sri Lankan way of doing Business By : Sinhalaya

<div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); "><img src="uploadedimages/contractor.jpg"><br>
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C. One from Bangladesh, another from Sri Lanka and the third, from China. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">          </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">        They go with a White House officer to examine the fence. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">          </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">        The Bangladeshi contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. ($400 for materials, $400 for my team and $100 profit for me)". </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">          </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">        The Chinese contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this jo for $700. ($300 for materials, $300 for my team and $100 profit for me)".</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">          </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">        The Sri Lankan contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">          </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">        The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">          </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">          </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">        The Sri Lankan contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from China to fix the fence." </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">        </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">  </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">         "Done!" replies the government official.</span></div>

What Starts with F and ends with K By : kyle

If this does not make you laugh, please seek medical advice. Something
is broken.

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the
3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd
grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She too k Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would
give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was
to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.'
;
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader
should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go
to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'L et me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two
of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down
and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a
lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put
Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong....'

Sri Lankan way of doing Business By : Sinhalaya

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C. One from Bangladesh, another from Sri Lanka and the third, from China.

They go with a White House officer to examine the fence.

The Bangladeshi contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,

then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. ($400 for materials, $400 for my team and $100 profit for me)".

The Chinese contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this jo for $700. ($300 for materials, $300 for my team and $100 profit for me)".

The Sri Lankan contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Sri Lankan contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from China to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

Computer Error Messages By : caputa

Very Funny Pepsi Commercial By : Admin

One hole Behind By : Caputa

Guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, 'Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on.'

She told him 'You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6.' He thanked her and continued playing golf.

Later he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. 'I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on.'

She told him 'you are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13.' Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. 'I'm in sales.' she said.

He replied, 'no kidding so am I. What do you sell?'

She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold and finally, she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised.

She said, 'I sell KOTEX (Sanitary Napkins)'.
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.
She said, 'You promised you wouldn't laugh'.

He replied (still with tears in his eyes), 'I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it.. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you.'

Winter Snow By : caputa

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